Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
