I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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