I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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