Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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