if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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