She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
