now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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