Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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