i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
