i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Rumble strips road head = magical
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
