It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
