i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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