Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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