6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
