I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
