I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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