Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
