took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
