I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
