Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
you will always have a special place in my vag
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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