You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
