i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
