My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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