So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
