I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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