billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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