So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
