Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
