I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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