I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
