we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
