How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
