Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
