I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
