I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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