About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
