In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
