i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
