I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
