someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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