You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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