walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
