yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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