hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Randomize
