she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
