I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
