so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
