You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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