Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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