i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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