the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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